Too long in between posts... again

     Wow... It's been forever since I've actually posted. Life is happening at a rate of several WTF's per minute here and I am never good at keeping up with this thing as it is.

     Let's see..

1. Still in Arkansas

2. Big is graduating two years early.

3. Senior year is EXPENSIVE! You would think that it wouldn't be, since we're homeschoolers, but it is. YIKES!

4. Little is growing like a weed, still.

5. We're in the process of trying to adopt.

6. Our adopted airman is deployed right now and that just sucks.

7. The stockings program was a flop this year. We were only able to provide 4 stockings.

8. I don't like most of the people here.

9. For once, I'm not caught up in any drama around me because I seriously only talk to like 2 people locally.

10. Did you know that there are still active chapters of the KKK? I didn't. I don't like it. It makes me sick to my stomach.

So yep, that's about it for now. I know, I know, I REALLY need to actually get in here and write on occasion. Sorry that this one is so boring.

When September Ends...

I have that song, "Wake me up when September ends" stuck in my head right now. I know that the actual song is completely irrelevant to what September means for me. But that one line... Well, in encompasses everything that I am feeling right now.

Today is rough. I still have another 10 days before her birthday. So far, I've been keeping as busy as I could. I've shut down emotionally as much as possible. Still, it's not enough. It's never enough.

Each year, the pain creeps up slowly. The gut wrenching, heart searing pain that slices through my entire being. The harsh reminder of all that was lost. It's been too long. 10 years. You would think that after 10 years, it wouldn't hurt as bad. I wouldn't be sitting here battling to keep the tears from falling.

I think it's worse now than ever before. I've been here 7 months and I don't have any close friends. I have people that I can hang out with, and people that I can talk to socially. What I don't have is exactly what I need right now. That friend that will drop everything to come over and give me a hug because she realizes that it's September, and more than likely I am hurting. The friend that never makes me say it outloud. The friend that just KNOWS.

I've always had that. For the first time in my life, I don't. I don't have a shoulder to cry on. Sure, I can call people, but it's not the same.

I miss my baby girl. I miss feeling her kicking me. I miss the heartburn and the nausea. I miss her 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes. I miss her dark curly hair and her cute little perfectly bowed lips.

I long for everything that I lost with her. All of the birthdays, all of the milestones. The pretty dresses and the hair bows. The skinned knees and the stubbornness. (I'm sure she would be stubborn).

I hate the fact that I lost a life time with her. I was only allowed to be her mother for 32 very short weeks. 10 years later and I still remember every single detail of my pregnancy with her. It's burned into my memory. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse.

All I know is that it hurts. So please, wake me up when September ends......... 

Mixed emotions

Most people who know me know that September is a very difficult month for me. September 19th is the anniversary of my daughters death. Gawds, I hate that word. "Anniversary". It should mean celebrating something happy. But what word do you use? What word fully describes the pain and torture that you feel as each September rolls by and your heart is wrenching over the loss of your beautiful little girl.

My daughter was stillborn at 32 weeks. It was heartbreaking. I've never gotten over it. Ever. You can read about it here.

So this month sucks. Big time. I'm always super emotional.

But this year, it's different too. This year, we have hope. See, we're in the process of trying to adopt a child from the foster care system. Yesterday, we got a phone call that we are able to start our adoption classes on September 21.

This means that we should be ready and approved for adoption by December at the latest. So I'm hopeful. Even once we're approved, it could take awhile for us to be placed. But that's ok. We're one step further into the process. These next 8-10 weeks will be hectic and crazy. I'm ok with that. I need a distraction.

So while I will forever mourn the loss of my beautiful daughter, for this year, for this moment, I have hope. Hope that I can be a good mother to a child that is stuck in the foster care system. Hope that I can bring as much joy to her life as she will bring to mine.

The pain will never go away. It's always there. But now, there's a little tiny spark of light this month. That's more than I could have ever asked for. 

Beautiful Friendships

I have some of the most incredible friends in the world. Some I know personally, and some I only know online. But if I consider them a friend, there is a reason for it. 

See, I'm a little weird about friendships. I know if someone is going to become a true friend the moment that I meet them or first talk to them. We click. Instantly. THOSE people are the ones that I consider my friends. 

I can talk to someone every day for a year, hang out with them, etc and never consider them a friend. They are simply an acquaintance. Someone to shoot the shit with, hang out with, combat the boredom with. I'll talk to them about their lives, my life, etc. But I never let them get truly close. 

I guess the point that I truly consider someone a friend is when I am freaking out, having an emergency, etc and I know that no matter what time it is, I can call them and they will be there for me. 

I don't have a female my best. My one and only best friend is my husband. I know a lot of people say that, but I truly mean it. 

My one and only true friend here just moved away. And that sucks. But in all honesty, I know I'll be ok. Because even though my next closest friend is over 10 hours away, and the others between 12 hours or hell, an ocean away, I know that I'm fine. 

It's nights like tonight, when my friend called me from England and we spent 3 hours on the phone just shooting the shit that make everything perfectly ok. When we're laughing, and catching up, and dealing with all the drama that's happened in our lives. When we're hanging onto the phones for dear life, because we miss that connection more than anything. THOSE are the best moments. 

Those are the ones that let me know that even if no one here likes my bat shit crazy, I'm not alone. 

When I'm upset, I don't call anyone here. I call Holli in Indiana, or Amber in Florida. Or I get on Facebook or Twitter and reach out to my numerous friends around the world. 

Because my true friends know just what a crazy bitch I am. They know I'm offensive and rude. They know I'm blunt, honest, and that I talk entirely too much. But they love me for me. They know that I have a heart of gold and that I'll give the shirt off my back if someone needs it. They set boundaries for me when I'm being too giving to someone that is using me. And boy oh boy do I know when one of them is mad at me! lol 

But that's the thing about true friends, you can always be honest. Even if you fight, you know you're going to be ok. I have friends of different religions, different morales, different ethics, everything. But the one thing we all have in common is that we will call each other out on our bullshit. And we'll get over it. We respect each other's lives. We don't try to shape them, or change them. We love each other just the way we are, quirks and all. 

So yeah, it's a little lonely here at times. But, I'm going to be just fine. Because I have some of the most incredible friends a girl could ever ask for. And that.... Well... that's better than gold. 

Do not thank me today, I am not a hero.

Today is not about me. It's not about those of us who served our country who still have our lives. Today is a day to remember those who never came home. Those who gave their lives for our country. Those who are still missing.

Today is not a day for bbq's and parties. Today is a day to reflect on the lives that are lost so that we can continue to enjoy the freedoms that we have.

Please, do not thank a veteran today. Today is about our fallen comrades. Their families. Today is for the true heroes. Those who went to war and never came back. Remember them. The sacrifices that they made. Their families who spend today at their graves, crying for everything that could have been but isn't.

I am not a hero. I do not need to be thanked. When you thank a soldier today, you are losing sight of what today is really about. Please, I'm begging you. Remember the lives that have been lost. Today, I remember.

Please please remember the true reason for today. It's not for bbq's and parties. It's a time to reflect, to mourn, to honor those who have fallen.

Click here to find those who have given their lives

Today, I can only humbly show my gratitude to those TRUE American heroes.

In my home, we will have a moment of silence today to honor those whose lives have been lost. Please consider doing the same in your home.

Random thoughts

Life is a bittersweet walk along a path riddled with thorns.

It's like looking for blackberries. You know that those berries are pure deliciousness. Yet, in order to get to those berries, you have to battle the thorns. The spiny, spiky, painful little asshats that dig into your skin, ripping into your flesh, leaving their lasting mark on you. Any sensible person would leave them alone. They would just go to the grocery store and buy them. Yet some of us, well, we're not quite so sensible. We endure the pain, welcome it, revel in it because we know without a doubt that the sweet juice from those berries is the best in the world. There is nothing else like it. 

That's what life has been like for me. Searching for blackberries through the thorns. 

I tried to talk about my past in my previous post, but a good friend of mine pointed out that I am still holding back. I'm still sugar coating my life for everyone around me. I guess I'm afraid of hurting those that love me. It's one thing to see it on the news. Even then, it still hurts. An innocent child beaten, starved, living in horrific conditions. To live it though? Well..... That's a horror story that even Stephen King wouldn't be able to articulate properly.

Very recently, I visited a dear friend. This is someone that I love, cherish, and value in my life. Unfortunately, I am left revisiting the horrors of my childhood because of that visit. Her home was in a condition that brought back all of those painful memories. Wounds that were just beginning to heal again were ripped open to reveal a raw, festering sore.

So I'm trudging through the blackberry patch again. My heart aches for her children, for her. At one point in her life, she was a good mother. One that I respected. Now, as much as I love her, I can't help but equate her with my own egg donor. It sickens me the type of person that she has become. I'm torn. I know the person that she was. I know the person that she is capable of being. Yet, I see the conditions that her children are living in and I'm mad. I'm furious with her for not loving them more. For not caring about them enough to clean her house.

As much as I once loved her, I am now equally disgusted by her. And by myself. While I spoke up and told her that her house was deplorable, I did nothing more than leave. I haven't ended the friendship. Why not? What keeps me holding on?

I swear, I punish myself sometimes. I could very easily have ended the friendship. Told her that I wanted nothing more to do with someone who would allow their children to live like that. But I didn't.

So I'm trudging through thorns, beating myself up. Why oh why can't I just go to the damned store for my berries like any sane, normal person would do? 

If being gay were a choice, all women would be lesbians......

Today, a very dear friend posted this status on Facebook:

Darren Sanderson

about an hour ago

Just had a very nice knock on the front door. Didn't know the lady but she introduced herself and said she's thought about stopping for a while. Leeh thanked us for flying our Rainbow Flag in the small little country town of Austin/Ward that we live in. Leeh has a gay son and it just makes her day to see acceptance. I'll take the positive reinforcement any day over the very very very few that have hollered slurs when they drive by. She put a smile on my face today.

Love is Love.
Love to all. — with Wayne Tedford.

It is with his permission that I included it here. (What the hell is wrong with the font now that I've copied and pasted his status? So weird)

Anyways, his status got me thinking about all of the members of the LGBT community that struggle for acceptance. Yes, I know I've written about this topic before. But it breaks my heart and I want to touch on it again. 

As a bi-sexual female in a straight marriage, I deal with enough of the judgements. I've lost friends because of it. People who have known me for years suddenly start acting differently around me once they find out I'm attracted to females. It's rough. I'd had friends that suddenly think it's creepy to change in the same room with me, or ones that take every single joking comment and twist it into me hitting on them. 

I've had family members tell me that I'm going to hell for my choices. I had one family member even try to pray the gay out of me. 

It doesn't work that way guys. First of all, you can't pray away the gay. It's not a choice. It's also not a sin, or something to be ashamed of. 

Second of all, as a straight person, do you find every other straight person attractive? No. Obviously not. So what in the hell makes you think that I will find you attractive? Trust me, I probably don't. I have taste. I am picky about the women that I find sexy. When I did date females, I dated some seriously hot ones with amazing personalities. I do not want you like that. I just want to remain friends. Actually, no. I don't. If you have a problem or an issue with gays, I want nothing to do with you. Basically, because you suck. And I don't like sucky people. 

I am a fairy flirt. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the gay community. After living a life where they have been judged, humiliated, bullied, harassed, etc, most people in the gay community are accepting, understanding, loving people. People who try to never ever judge someone based on what others may consider a character flaw. They are open, honest, and quite simply, amazing. 

Darren reminded me today that being true to ourselves really can make a difference in someone's lives. Even if we don't know them. Being ourselves can show others support even when we're too blind to see the differences that we are making. 

So no matter who you are, or what you stand for, STAND UP for it. Hold your head high. Be proud of who you are. Don't be afraid to be a voice. There is always someone listening. That teenage kid ready to kill himself because he feels dirty or wrong for his thoughts and desires.... That mixed couple down the street that are still being judged in this day and age..... The single mother struggling to raise her kids right.... 

Everyone needs someone to lean on, to support them, to show encouragement and strength when they are just too weak to take on the world by themselves. 

Don't ever be ashamed of who you are or what you believe in. And always, always, stand up for someone if you see them being bullied or harassed. You never know... that one time could be the time that either makes or breaks them. You have a voice. Use it. Not to harm but to help. 

Darren, thank you for reminding me how something as simple as a flag can make such a massive difference in one person's life. 

Hugs love and glittery kisses,

Bird

We need a little magic

I want my children to grow up in a world where there is still magic. In a world where there is still good.  I want them to believe in the power of their imaginations. I want them to see the good in life. I do everything that I can to protect them from the harsh realities of life, while not allowing them to be completely naive.

So my youngest still believes in the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Clause. He still believes in all people being equal. My kids see color differently than I ever would have imagined. I still remember the first time my son realized that people aren't one size fits all. We were in the middle of the store and he says "Mommy, why is that man chocolate?" I wanted to cry at his innocence. It was so sweet, so endearing. The gentleman heard him and looked at me to see how I was going to respond. I simply told my son "Well, you know how you love vanilla ice cream, but it goes so much better with chocolate? Well, that's how people are. There are thousands of flavors out there, and if we only had one, it would be dull and boring, so we have many and we love them all" That old man asked me if he could give me a hug. He had just had someone else recently say something extremely derogatory to him about his race and he said that my son's question and my response restored his faith in humanity.

Right now, I need my faith in humanity restored. There is so much going wrong in our country right now. There's so much hurt, anger and bitterness. We are being quick to judge, to lash out, to accuse. We're driven by a basic human instinct to place blame.

It saddens me. While my heart is broken by the way things are going, by the shootings, the bombings, the babies being killed, it is being ripped apart by our reaction to it.

Instead of doing everything that we can to help those affected by the tragedies, we are sitting in our safe homes, condemning someone who has yet to go to trial. We are negating all decent human emotion and sticking to the one that makes us feel empowered. We're holding on to anger. To hate.

What happened is horrifying. Every innocent life lost is a tragedy. But every loss is also a chance for us to show how good we can truly be. Do you think that the hatred is helping the families that are experiencing loss? I don't.

I believe that our help, our sympathy for them will be what truly helps them. Fundraising, donating blood, giving clothes, toys, furniture, etc to those affected by all of these tragedies would be a way to truly help the victims of ALL of these crisis that we are facing right now.

I've lost a child. Maybe not in the way that any of these families have, but I have lost a child. Hatred and anger would not have helped. Someone showing kindness would have. Why are we not sending cards? Why are we not sending flowers? Why are we not rallying together to raise money for the families for funerals, or medical expenses? What about their living expenses?

I know that when I lost my daughter, work was the last thing on my mind. Paying the bills didn't matter. But I also know that creditors and bill collectors don't care about your tragedies. They want their money. So why are we not all working towards that? Towards helping these people keep what little they have?

Between the bombings, the fertilizer plant exploding, the shootings, the stabbings, the robberies, etc, why are we sitting on our asses judging? We could be doing so much more. We could be showing these families the magical power of coming together. We could show each of these families that their loved ones mattered. Not by raising our voices in anger. But in putting our hearts out there. By using our fear to do some good.

I'm not able to do much, but I am going to help. So for today, I'm going through our clothes and our cabinets and I am giving what I can. I'd love to donate blood, but I am unable to because of my medical history. So I'm doing what I can to be there for those families. It's not much, but it's not hate. It's a small act of kindness and of love.

Hate doesn't heal. But love? Love has the power to be magical. To heal broken hearts and broken homes. To provide peace in a chaotic and crisis situation.

I can't change the world. But my children and I can make a difference in at least one life. So that's what we're going to do. Instead of hate, we're going to love. Instead of condemnation, we're going to believe in our country and in our justice system. We're going to believe that sometimes, the good guys get it right. We're going to help. Not hurt. Not hinder.

We are going to do everything that we can to help those suffering to heal.

Because we all have a little bit of magic in us. We are choosing to share ours with those who may not be able to find theirs right now. Please, please, share yours.

I still believe

Why is it so wrong to have faith in our government? In our judicial system? In our laws? Why is it that I'm the idiot, the asshole, the stupid one for still believing in my country?

Yes, people have made mistakes. Yes, there have been some innocent people convicted and some guilty people set free. I get that. By no means to I believe that our country is flawless. But overall, I do believe that we have a good country and that we can be incredible.

So while many in the world are breathing a sigh of relief that the second bomber has been caught, I am still stuck on the word "Suspect". Until he is found guilty in a court of law, I will have doubts. Shortly before these two were named suspects, four very innocent people had the finger pointed at them. http://theweek.com/article/index/243028/4-innocent-people-wrongly-accused-of-being-boston-marathon-bombing-suspects

So no, I'm not going to say it's all wrapped up nice and tidy. We still have evidence to collect, a trial to conduct, etc. Of course, there will be a change in jurisdiction. There is no way that this man can get a fair trial in Boston.

I'm not saying he's innocent. I'm not saying I'm on his side. What I am saying is that I refuse to find a man guilty without the process. I refuse to believe it's over. I refuse to sit back and think it's all over.

It's definitely not. There are broken hearts and broken homes all over the place now. Two people, whoever they may be, chose to take the lives of others. Chose to force people to live in fear. To run for safety, to have an innocent day turn into a horrific memory.

What I am saying is this: I will not condemn a man without him having a fair trial. I will not try a man in the media. I will wait for the court evidence to back it, I will wait for a conviction.

I still believe in my country. I still believe in "Innocent until proven guilty". I still believe in fair trials, and all of that. Am I an idiot? Maybe. But I will not give up on my country. Not now. Not yet.

But if he is guilty? If he's the one who has done all of this? Then stick a bomb up his ass and blow the living shit out of the fucker.

The stuff nightmares are made of

Everyone keeps telling me that I should write a book about my childhood. Unfortunately, I'm neither that eloquent, nor willing to dig quite that deep into those memories.

However, this past week, I was forced to face those memories head on. It wasn't easy. I had to rely very heavily on my friends and my wonderful husband and children to get through it.

I grew up in a living hell. I've talked about my past before but I never realized just how detached I was from it all until I had to face it again. I've talked about living in a shack. I've talked about how filthy and disgusting the house was. I've tried to describe the living conditions, the horrors, the nightmares.

And I've failed. I know that I've failed because even I was shocked when I finally went back to my childhood home for the first time in years. I've talked to several of the adults that were in my life at the time to make sure that the house was actually that bad when I lived there. They've assured me that it was.

So now, I'm angry. I'm beyond pissed. It was one thing to live there as a child. I knew it was horrid even then. But to go back to that place as a mother? To see the living conditions that no less than 9 adults in my life at the time were not only aware of, but that turned their backs and allowed me to stay there pisses me off in a way that I can't even begin to describe.

How could anyone allow a child to live in those conditions? How could they think it was even remotely ok? They wouldn't live there. They refused to. It was just me and my grandmother in a shack on the hill while the rest of my family lived across the highway in an actual house. One where the floorboards weren't falling out and the roof wasn't caving in. They had a house that wasn't crawling with bugs and who knows what other infestations. The conditions that they forced me to live in are appalling. They refused to live there. So the burning question remains, why me? Why did my own mother hate me so much from birth that she sent me to this nightmare?

I'll never have the answers. There is no explanation that makes her actions, their actions, ok. The adults in my life failed me. For the first time ever, I can truly see that.

I'm hurting right now. I've bottled up and repressed so much through the years that the reality of it slapped me in the face this week.

I've always hidden the harsh realities of my life. I've talked about my life, but in a cold and calculated way. I didn't know how to express or describe the brutality, the horrors, the pain.

I am tired of hiding. A picture is worth a thousand words is what they say. So here's my story. Here's my life. The first 9 years of it anyways. This was only the beginning of the nightmares that I endured growing up. But this is where I came from. It's also where I will make damned sure that my own children will never ever end up.

I can't change the world. All I can do is beg of you.. If you even think that a child might be abused, neglected, etc, please please err on the side of caution and report it. It's amazing to me how many people knew the conditions that I was living in and they all turned a blind eye. No one helped me. Please please help a child if you can. No one deserves the life that I lived and you can make a difference.

Gaining perspective

I get so frustrated sometimes. With life, with people, with everything. Then days like today happen. There wasn't anything major. I guess I just took a step back and realized how good I have it right now. Will that stop me from complaining ever again? No. Probably not. But things are definitely a bit more in perspective today than they have been in awhile. 

You see, I'm the girl that was never supposed to go anywhere in life. Everyone had given up on me at an early age. I came from a broken home. Really broken. I was severely abused and as most people know, the cycle is hard to break. 

So I guess since no one else really expected me to do anything with my life, I didn't expect me to either.  How could I, this broken girl, ever make a difference? How would I ever truly be happy? I mean, I was supposed to die. You have no idea how many times I went to the Dr and they told me that I wasn't going to live another year. I was never supposed to be anything good or decent. According to everyone, I was a lost cause. 

I never learned how to dream. I didn't make a lot of plans for the future. There was no reason to. My goals were small, but attainable. I didn't take my first two marriages seriously. I mean, who cared? They were going to leave me just like everyone else in my life had.  And when things went bad, I could walk away knowing that I was right all along. All I wanted out of life was to be able to take care of my kids. That was it. Nothing more. 

I never expected to be loved. To love. To dream. To make a difference in anyone's life. Those things were for people who deserved it. Those things happened to good people. Not to people like me. I never felt worthy of those things. I was a nobody to everybody. 

Today I realized that I've turned out pretty well despite the odds. I know that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but you know what? I'm ok with that. Yes, it still hurts a bit if someone doesn't like me. I guess it's that rejected little foster kid surfacing on occasion. But I'm learning not to take it to heart as much as I used to. 

I speak my mind. I get hurt if others speak theirs to me. Yes, pot meet kettle. I know. I can dish it out but I can't take it. I'm learning. I'm learning to filter things at times. I'm learning that words can be worse than fists. I'm learning who I am. For years, I've been the person that others wanted me to be, expected me to be, or told me to be. For the first time in my life, I'm finding me. 

I have to thank my husband. You see, he's the first person in my entire life to absolutely love me unconditionally and without judging me. He sees something in me that no one else ever took the time too. 

I'm not perfect. He's not either. But he loves me, flaws and all. He pushes me to dream. To dream big. He wants me to want that big house, the white picket fence, the whole shebang. He pushes me to do whatever it is that I want in life. 

I'm still learning who I am. But for the first time ever, I can honestly say that I am head over heels in love. I can tell you that I am happy. Extremely happy. I'm also lucky. My life is good. I honestly shouldn't be complaining about anything, because in the grand scheme of things, my life is fantastic. I know this. 

So my goal for now is to stop being such a whiny little bitch. I have the best husband a girl could ask for. He encourages me, pushes me to reach for the stars, and when I'm afraid, he's there to hold my hand and walk me through the fear until I am able to stand on my own two feet again. 

Maybe my life is too simple for some. Maybe it's not ideal for everyone. But for me, it's perfect. I really need to learn to focus on the good instead of whining when things seem just a bit rough. Because honestly, I've got absolutely nothing legitimate to complain about. 

My proposed budget cuts

Here's my proposed budget cuts. ALL of these apply to stateside bases/personel ONLY so if you are overseas, do NOT jump my ass thinking that I am referring you in this. I know how crazy expensive/hard it is over there. So no, these don't include you.

Stateside: Get rid of the commissaries. It's cheaper to shop off base most of the time anyways. And believe it or not, we do in fact make enough to do our grocery shopping off base.

Get rid of the BX. We don't need it. Plain and simple.

Start making dependents pay to use the gyms on base. Active duty should be free since they are required to maintain a certain level of fitness. But dependents should pay at least a small stipend to utilize that service.

Have us pay for a small portion of our health care. Too many people abuse the system and it's costing us all. Could you afford that 12th kid if you were a civilian? No? Then you probably shouldn't be having it.

Stop allowing CDC care to be used by stay at home moms. It should be for single parents and families where BOTH of the parents work. That's it. You shouldn't get full time child care for $80 a week because you child is an inconvenience in your life.

However, leave active duty and vets alone. Do not cut their tuition assistance, their medical, etc. They deserve the little bit that they get extra.

The budget cuts HAVE to come from somewhere. Do I think that military should be solely targeted? Hell no. But EVERYONE should have to give a bit.

Welfare should have much stricter limits. If you're already on welfare and you get knocked up again, you should lose your benefits. Since you obviously can't even afford the ones you already have.

 You should only be allowed to be on welfare for 2 years. MAXIMUM. I know entirely too many people that refuse to get jobs because welfare pays them so well.

Survivors benefits for SPOUSES only should be limited to 2 years. My own grandmother refused to remarry to the man that she was living with because she would lose her survivor benefits that she got after my grandfather died. It was bullshit. She knew I didn't like it, but it's also extremely common.

So there. Bitch, moan, complain, etc. But we all have to work together to get our country back on track. ALL OF US.

*Disclaimer*

*Disclaimer* As of this moment, I am to no longer be referred to as a military spouse. I did not marry the military. I married my husband. I am a wife. I am a civilian. I am a blunt, rude, honest, ego maniacal asshole. I will no longer be involved in anything that deals with the military. I will not help with bake sales, Christmas parties, fundraisers. I will no longer be providing stockings for the airmen. I will not attend ANY military functions unless specifically asked to by my husband. I will not conform to any standard that the military thinks I should conform to. I will NOT give of my time, my energy, myself for the military. I am taking back my dignity, my potty mouth, my love for life. Since I am no longer a "military spouse" you will have to deal with me directly like the big girls in the real world do if you have an issue with me. Contacting my husband's command to tattle tell on me will no longer be a viable option, since they will not have any idea who I am anymore. Nor will you know who his command is. Because when I am asked from here on out what my husband does, my response will simply be "Me".

Little Rock, Meet Bird

Well, we finally arrived.

The trip wasn't to bad at all. The jet lag combined with us all being sick has been a bit more difficult to adjust to than we were expecting, but meh, fuck it.

I'm in hillbilly hell. But that's ok. Cause see, there's something these people will soon realize about me. I can spread my awesome sauce a hell of a lot further than they can spread manure. So I'm golden.

I'm staying true to myself. Of course, that means being a bit bitchy to start with. It's just a matter of making sure people know that this time, I am NOT going to be walked all over. I will not enable anyone this time around. I'm not helping anyone that isn't willing to help themselves.

I realized while talking to K today that I don't NEED friends. Yes, it's nice to have some locally, but I have plenty. So I am making choices about who I do and do not allow in my life. First sign of the bullshit drama that I was dealing with before and they are gone. I'm not doing it again.

So anyways, lots of changes here. I can shop in stores for just about anything that I want, but I still catch myself automatically going to Amazon. It's just so much more convenient than going and LOOKING for stuff.

I'm definitely enjoying the food. Can't beat that!

Already planned a trip to St Louis this spring, Florida this summer, and Vegas later in the summer. I'm excited about seeing loved ones.

So anyways, we have a car, have a house, I've met some cool people and I haven't killed anyone yet. That wraps it up for today. =D

AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!

So, the movers are coming tomorrow! Yikes! We will be staying in the hotel starting on Tuesday. Then we leave the country on the morning of the 28th!!

Holy smokes! Less than a month from the time we got orders until the time we leave to pull off an international move. We're pretty much ready though. Just gathering the last of the electronics and toiletries that we don't want the movers to take and then we're off!

Crazy isn't it? Starting life all over again somewhere else.

This time, it will be in Little Rock, AR.

I'm a bit nervous. I always am when it comes to meeting new people. I worry about being judged. I don't know why. I used to never be this way. Hopefully I can get over that soon. My new policy in life is to "Be the girl I was before the world told me who I needed to become". I miss that girl. I was pretty freaking awesome.

So yeah, that's the update. 11 more days until we are back in the States. Hoping to meet up with a few people from my social networks, but it seems as if most people aren't very close to where we're going. Which saddens me. Cause I love my social networking groups.

Anyways, off to do more packing. Hugs and love!

It's the military way of life

As I sit down for the first time today and really just breathe for a moment, I can't help but look back at today with a bit of pride. As some of you may know, we are going back to the States. What hasn't been made total common knowledge is that I have only 3 weeks to plan and do an international/overseas move.

I'm shocked at how much I've already accomplished. I have felt overwhelmed, stressed, annoyed, etc. I didn't feel like I was getting much of anything done. But when I finally sat down today, I realized that I've done a lot.

Just today alone, I've dropped off a car load of donations. Then waited around for 2 freaking hours for someone who was supposed to pick items up and kept texting me to tell me that she was on her way. UGH. I used that time to take care of some tasks that needed to be done. Such as checking our P.O. Box, chatting with the cell company about turning off our service, etc.

Once I was done there, it was off to a nearby village where I delivered another item to a friend that had FINALLY come in the mail. Then went and met with another friend who owed hubby money and collected that. Then off to pick up a pair of shoes from a friend who graciously gave them to me. After that, I had to run to the next town over to pick up packing paper.

Then and only then, did I get to come home. Where I managed to go through my husband's closet, do a pre-inspection with the cleaners, give Aphrodite's new owners her travel kennel and a few toys that we missed. Then secured us a new home, also getting the landlord to agree to purchase a washer, dryer and fridge before we arrive. Oh, and I think I found a job too. Then I cooked dinner for my kids, set up a potential family for Athena, confirmed the potential foster family meeting in the morning just in case no one takes her.

In between all of this, I managed to have lunch with my husband and kids, and do two loads of laundry.

And the funny thing about all of this is, I can just sit back and say "Yep, this the life of the military wife."

All of the butt hurt is mine

I've experienced a level of hurt that I didn't know was possible. For the past 2 years, I have thought someone was my friend. I've gone out of my way to be there for her. It was one sob story after another and like a fool, I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

This woman has finangled anything and everything that she could out of me. I've helped her for two years in a row to provide Christmas for her children because she gave me sob stories about how her husband had spent all of their money and she couldn't. I've given her food out of my own cupboards, and even had another friend help out with providing her food.

But what gets me the most is that in September, we gave her a car. She was supposed to be buying it from us, but I kept hearing all about their financial woes, so my husband and I decided to be kind and give them the car.

In the past 2 days, I have found out that for well over a year, she has been going behind my back and smearing my name to others. She not only threw me under the bus but several others too. All this time, pretending to be a close friend and confidant.

Yesterday, she took all of her so called problems with me to my husband's command. She made me look like a complete asshole, while conveniently leaving out her part of it all.

I feel like such a jerk. It's come out that she's been trash talking me forever, and yet she had me so fooled, I gave her a car. That hurts. To know that I was used that much really hurts. It hurts in ways I didn't know a friend could hurt you.

She's lied about me, turned others who I could have been great friends with against me before they even got a chance to know me, etc. This is upsetting. It hurts to the very core to know that she hated me that much and yet never let on about it to me.

I feel betrayed in the worst way possible. And the crappy thing is, I can't do a damned thing about it except make a blog post about how butt hurt I am.